i had another insane episode last week and i've been having more flashbacks(which causes my episodes sometimes) and with everyone i feel depressed. we went christmas at the Four Seasons mall in the city of Greensboro saturday, the mall was three stories high, much bigger than what i'm used to. that helped with my depression a little, but not so much. i had a hard time finding my sister a christmas present, since she doesn't really have a hobby and all she does is watch tv and listen to music, it really put a strain on me. then we came home to find that my sister's cat Nevada decided to nock my perfume over and half of the bottle spilled onto my dresser, and the alcohol ruined a little bit of the surface. I'm now keeping my perfumes in the bathroom in a basket where the cats can't get to it.
when i was a little girl i used to be jumping for joy ecxited about the holidays, now i'm all like 'meh'. i don't unserstand it. guess it's because i'm now an semi - anti social, somewhat emo, dark thinking goth(though i'm still quite the chatter box sometimes). but, really, i don't care, i'm growing up, and one of these days i'm going to be able to live by myself with a few cats and possibly a dog for the rest of my life, if i ever get rich and live in a fancy house, then maybe i'll adopt some children, all just like i want it to be, mainly being alone. i can still have my friends, but still live alone and nicely. that would help me alot. and now that it's winter, i feel calm and peaceful cause i like cold weather, it's just makes it seem i'm the only person in the world.

these past two weeks have been driving me crazy, last week, we went to my first cousin's grandaughter's wedding. the party after it was loud and crazy which i can BARELY stand, since i HATE parties like that, it was practically turning me to my insane side. but even though i told my parents i couldn't stand it, they decided not to listen to me. instead my parents decided to scold at me because i was not being polite. THE HELL WITH THAT, I WASN'T LIKEING ALL THE SOCIAL CRAP AROUND ME, IT WAS MAKING ME INSANE!!!!. neither of my parents seem to act like they don't even care that i've gone insane. but i'm not sorry that i had to run out of the party because i wasn't liking it. god, my mom and dad are so full of overexaggerating shit!
and saturday, mom said me and krista's behavior was nutrosious "WELL FYI TO YOU, MOM, KRISTA AND I LEFT BECAUSE WE HAD ENOUGH OF IT".
anyways, on saturday, i hosted a small party. the guess were painting most of the time, which was my moms idea. we had fun.
i don't like being around my mom and my dad much anymore because i soon end up doing something they don't agree and then they get mad at me, and usually it's either a little thing or it's nothing to get mad at at all.


i just wish i was now 18 going to collage and leaving my parents behind, so that i can live alone and without them.

We went on our feild trip today,it didn't take as long of a trip as i thought. and it wasn't really as boring as i thought either.
one of the people at the agape center was facinated by me, and by that i mean she thought and said that i was a cool kid. Nobody has ever really told me that before, since i've always known myself as one of the most unpopular kids in the school, it made me happy.

It's weird, ya know . . .
i live through years
of rejection, and pain. . .
and nobody really
notincing, or caring about me....
and all the attention i get are
negitive comments. . . .
and then i start getting all of this friendly attenion,from boys and everybody, and even when i don't get it, i feel as if a lot of people are notiocing me in some way. i still get negitive comments once in a while, but that dosen't bother me.
i don't know what's going on, but, it dosen't matter if they start being nice to me or not...........................
it's too late, i don't want much of society around me any more(except for my friends and family), and nothing they do for me can change that.




The silence of winter snow has fallen
in my mind. . . .

I went shopping with my mom today. She bought the stuff i got from Hot Topic and Kohls, which had a lot of stuff i could go gothic in. although i am sick now, i dont' feel very good but i don't have a fever, it's normal, of course nooooooo surprise to me, had this strange illness 8 or 9 times last year. Mama said it's because i haven't been taking vitamin supplements, and i wonder why in the world i need that.
I feel like listening to music some while i do a little bit of work, then i'll get some rest. on the 16th my homeroom and my math class is going to a sci. center called Agape, which sounded really boring when it was explained in the letter. i hate having to do the sci. activities with miss Kallop, she makes it so boring, since she uses the the expairiments in our text book, in which the authors didn't seem to reallize makes you wanna go 'Zzzzzzzz'.
anyways i'm sick, and i would like to work on my story.
i forgot to add that while me and Mama were leaving the store, i realized that a group of what i could guess of high school seinor boys were looking at me in their car. then one of the boys stuck his head out of the back door window and yelled "Say that you love me! I know you do!" to me. i was surprised they thought i was good looking, sure i was wearing my favorite white blouse, but i'm kinda chubby(i'm not overweight or anyhting, my shirt size is mainly a medium but i get large shirts because of our washer having a tendacy to shrink my stuff, and my pants size is an 11 juniors which is smaller than it seems)and even my blouse couldn't hide that(i promise you though, my stomach was not sticking out or whatever).

the week was tirsome, since i'm in 8th grade and it is worse in the cases of having energy for it than 7th or 6th. i was already tired by the time i was halfway through the day.
I got to have a little conversation with Li, a chinese boy who's family i think just moved from china a year ago, and who also dosen't know english very well(but he's learning). during first period, he realized of my cat-faced boots that i had got from Hot Topic(and for those of you who don't live in america and have no idea what Hot Topic is, it's a national gothic stuff store chain) and he pointed to them, i said 'Cat faces' to him, even though i knew he wasn't going to catch what i was saying. later, i asked he bring his translator to gym so that i could talk to him. i asked him if he liked my kitty-faced boots, he nodded, and then i told him where i got them. I dont' talk to Li much 'cause every time i'm around the boy(which is like the whole day, even when were switching classes and going to electives) i feel like i'm the weird, obessive sometimes, and non-stop talkitive girl people have considered me(which i used to be). and i also think that's exactly what he thinks i am('cause of Bryan Hadwin, his friend no doubt, which i dont' hate but i'm Sure bryan dosn't like being around me like everyone else).
anyways, i'm tired and i'm going to continue on with my story, and i think i have a fear of talking to boys and then saying something stupid(like i always do 'cause i can't keep my mouth from making a stupid, damn comment that always have people complaining to me) i wish i had the fear of talking in public, then i wouldn't have the damn problem all together.